My Blog

Every once and a while I ponder what my life really means.  What am I here for?  What’s my purpose?

Oh well, enough of that sillyness.

I’m more interested in what holds us back from living our lives to the fullest potential.  When I was looking down the barrel at death, I wondered if I had said all the right things, done the right things.  And really just what are the ‘right things’?  Everyone would have their own list of possibilities.

I think that anyone who says that they don’t have any regrets would be lying a little.  For me it depends on the day. hahaha.  I was recently talking with a friend as I told her of one of my latest passions and told her it was on my “bucket list” of things to do.  She laughed and said I was way too young to have one.  I laughed and said that actually, I had been doing every and anything that I wanted to do my entire life, and been judged as strange and eccentric.  I try never to let anything or any body hold me back.  And I answer only to myself and eventually god.

What’s holding you back?

Dear Carrie Fisher:

I just saw your ad on the television for Jenny Craig.  I want to tell you that you have all the support in the world from me.  It isn’t so much that you ‘called Jenny’ but that you have gotten to that weird and crazy place of declaring war on your own body.  I can SOOO relate!

I understand how this has absolutely nothing to do with outside pressure to be thin.  This is pressure that we can only understand from the inside of our very bodies.  How can our bodies betray us?  How can they blow raspberries at us evey time we step on the freaking scale?  How has that voice that calls us names in the mirror as we look at ourselves gotten so loud and we wonder where the hell we have gone?

I get it…good luck. I too am on a journey of battle with my health and my body image and NO I will not accept myself the way that I currently am.  I hate it.  (I’m not really sure what ‘it’ is but I’m sure somewhere along the way…I’ll have to face it.  Like Dartanian flipping out on windmills…ha…I can see it.  Us chubbys must keep up our sense of humor.

Please keep us updated of your progress.  I’ll be cheering for you at every commercial.

god bless

Me and all the “husky” adults of the world.

Yesterday, during a wonderful family supper, my youngest daughter excitedly asked me to come down stairs to see something on my computer.  In our past life, when I was married to their dad, he had a life long friend that my girls affectionately called Uncle Monkey.  We were all too young and too selfish in those days and unfortunately both of our marriages failed.  When I left town, I left my old life behind me and some very dear friends.

There he was.  Some 11 or so years later getting married in some tropical paradise to one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.  And happy…omg…so happy.  Remember, I was at his first wedding..I don’t remember him being so relaxed and confident.

I’m blogging about this because since the many events, trials, euphoric moments, deaths and celebrations, I want to press upon all the importance of getting in touch and making contact.  Today, I reached out to Uncle Monkey, and I’m not too worried about hearing back but I felt compelled to get in touch with him to let him know that he is still a dear Uncle, loved, and respected.  He may not be in our lives any more but he is thought of with fondness.  If I was remembered by someone with affection and kindness, it would make my day to know.

Don’t be afraid to say what you want to say, while you can say it.

Dawg is this womans best friend.

Between Mike and myself we have 3 outside working dogs and one little inside dog.  WE are dog people.  Often we think that sometimes our dogs are treated better than most.  They have 2000 some acres to roam, all the food they can eat, a heated dog house and the list goes on.  Since my little Lucy is part hound, it is in my dawgs to leave the home place and and wonder.  I walk extensively around our ranch with my dogs and they feel at liberty to explore and hunt.  Recently, Mike and I had 2 of our precious canines either stolen or shot.  If they were in fact  at large and a nuisance to livestock, then as would happen here, they would have deserved to be shot.  However, the small town community is being very quiet about that.

Funny how bull shit gets generated.  Weirdly enough, the other morning I had to borrow my sons car.  It was a first.  I always drive the ranch truck or my navy Caddy.  So no one would ever guess that I was cruising in a little white car.  The roads were so bad, that I called Mike to let him know that the roads were awful and at our corner that a couple of cars were this way and that.  2 days later, I find out that our dogs are accused of this mishap at the corner.  Geesh, they really must be super dogs because when I hit the ditch not a half mile on our ranch road from the yard, my dogs followed Mark out to where I was and promptly followed him home.  I watched because I didn’t want them to follow me.

I’m a little tired of the gossip.  Perspective…it’s an aquired talent.

Last night Mike and I spent a wonderful evening with my sister Lotte and her family.  They were away on a skiing trip over my birthday so as soon as our calendars could allow, my ‘bro in law’ cooked me up a wonderful, scrumptious, 3 course birthday supper.  It was an amazing night.  I will never forget it.

On the way home, I was trying not to think about these last few months that we will have together.  They are moving back to their home country far across the sea in June. We are already saving to visit but I really can’t grasp how I will go one without her being one hour away.  We all decided at our gathering last night, that we would have a family supper at least one night a month and not waste a single minute of our time together.  For her birthday, I gave her the suggestion of a bucket list…things that we could do together before she leaves.  I’m trying to stick to that idea.

So what about us regular human beings?  You know the ones that don’t know how long we have together with the ones that we love? We wake up one day and they are gone…perhaps forever.  Did we say all the things we wanted to say?  Did we hug them even when we would have rather not?  Did we hold back love out of fear and disrespect?  (this will be a topic of further reflection)  I had made a decision when my Daddy was failing and that was to take pen to paper and write it out!  It isn’t easy but boy does it feel good.  One thing my father said about me was ‘she is who she is – and you will always know where you stand with her’.  I try to live by that every minute of my life and not mince words nor hold back emotions and passions because 100 years from now not much will matter but the future will remember what kind of person you were.  That isn’t something we take to the grave.

That being said, when my darling sis had her 50th birthday, I didn’t buy her something that she would have to find a place for in her nic-nac shelf.  Iwrote her a letter and told it like it is.

Enjoy…

I have a secret.

I am Lottes sister.

Only her and I understand that our sisterhood is not just of this lifetime and has survived and spanned the millenniums.

I guess to some that is a profound and bizarre statement.  But to us – it is “our” truth.

Lotte and I found each other late in this lifetime and in actual fact we have only known each other just less than 2 years.  But I have learned  and continue to learn my greatest life lessons from knowing her and her loving family.

You see, I have a sister – just the two of us, 13 years apart.  My older sister and I have been estranged most of our lives and have agreed to live out final days with no contact. It wasn’t a huge adjustment for me, more of a relief.  So I don’t even really know what a relationship with a sister should be like.  And then what do you know – Lotte enters my life.

We hit it off from the start, taking up from some distant, yet obscure childhood.  When I close my eyes I see 2 little girls running in the tall grass, laughing, singing , holding hands and whispering secrets in a language only we two can understand.

When I look at her I see all the wonderful things I could only hope to find within myself.  There is just something about us.  It wasn’t difficult for us to find the trust to open our hearts to each other and our families.  Our husbands are as close as brother in laws and good friends.  Our daughters have the joy of understanding our special relationship and its significance as being the best ‘aunties’ we know we can be.  And our grandchildren will hear all about us from each other, in distant lands across the sea.

In the past couple of years Lotte has not missed (in person or in spirit) a single moment in my life.  And I guess that is what makes having her with us is all about.

One thing I have learned is sometimes it’s our own family that hurts us and talks bad about us and lets jealousies and feelings determine our self worth.  And that our inner most circle is more like the ‘knights of the round table’ friends by fate and loyalty, not necessarily choice.  I have to admit, I have struggled with the jealousy of being Lottes friend because I want her all to myself – doesn’t every body?  But then I remind myself “oh, I am the sister” and then all is well within me.

I have felt the sting and the wisdom of her words and her beliefs but she hold us to a higher level of honorable friendship that is so rarely given or received  in these times.  I love her so much for that.

My mother always had something to say about everything.  One of her sayings was ‘be mindful of the company you keep – you may be entertaining an angel’.  And we have her here in our midst.  Blessed by her heart and friendship that has touched all of us.

All my life I have I have wanted to go into a gift shop and pick a card or a trinket that says ‘for my sister’.  I am so grateful to now have that chance.  And take full advantage of the benefits, opinions and all that comes with it.

I love you my forever sister.  I wish you 50 years more.  I am in awe of the universe that every incident in our entire lives has brought us all to this very moment.  How can we doubt our powerfulness?  How can we doubt the magnificent plan for our lives when we experience beautiful moments like this?

god bless you.

I don’t know where God was that day in March.  It was a unique sensation of both knowing and yet fearing the answer.  Had I said ‘I love you’ to everyone that day?  Had I put the laundry in the dryer?  All the funny things that go through your head in the midst of disaster.

The very idea that I would actually die was floating through my veins with each heavy pounding heart beat.  An ebb and tide, so to speak.  Boom-boom, would I live?  Boom-boom, would I die?  Is this actually happening to me?

Hello?

Hadn’t I been through enough in my life?  Who is the judge and jury on that topic?  Is the Universe playing a cruel trick?  Is my husband following the ambulance?  Will I see Mom and Daddy in Heaven?  Oh, my god, will I even be going to Heaven?  Is there a Heaven?  Ok, I’ll just be happy to dissolve into energy.  Oh crap…is that a bright light?

I wish they would quit shining that big light above the gurney in my bloody eyes!

A STROKE???  How?  No way!  Watching the fear run through every ones faces!  How much more of this will I be able to take?

Yesterday, we had a family support trip to the University of Regina, to watch our Hutterite son, Mark try out for the Rams football team!

For most I guess this wouldn’t be too big of an event.  But to us, “the Blindside” would fail in comparison.

Mark came to us from Kyle Colony at Christmas time last year.  We gave him the opportunity and encouraged him to go to high school.  When we signed him up he was tested in some subjects and at best it looked like a remedial grade 7 or 8.  Yet he was 17 years old.  So, they gave him a few courses to get him started and he completed his first half year of high school, not really being called a senior.  Mark is a very extraordinary personality.  He is adept at everything he does.  He played hockey, tried his hand at bulldogging and during the summer months football seemed to tweak his interest.  By the end of August he had secured a place on the school football team.  When we went to advocate that he graduated the following June (his dream) the school admin wasn’t so sure that they could get a program together that would give him enough credits.  So, I told them flat out…you want him for football…you get him a schedule.  Sure enough two days later we were planning a June graduation party.

Mark took the football league by storm.  Winning with a team that hadn’t seen a win in a very long time.  We were so proud to attend his sports banquet where he secured the ‘coaches top award’ and the ‘defensive linesman award’.  The next day at breakfast we were discussing ‘possibilities’ of scholarships and college.  A few weeks later, I was on a plane to Calgary and low and behold an entourage of Rams personel were on the same flight.  Me, being the opportunist that I am, told them all about our ‘son’ Mark and his abilities.  This led to an invitation to come to an information meeting, which led to todays tryout, which may lead to an invitation to come to training camp.  I’m watching the mail like a hawk.  But Mark put it all into perspective when he said, “mom, even if nothing comes of this, I have had one heck of a year.”  Awesome.

When you live on a busy outfit like ours, everyday just seems like the next.  When I was in my 20′s, I owned my own business and only worked til 3:00 on Saturdays.  That way I felt like I was still part of the ‘weekend’ people.  But now it’s rare to go shopping or be away from the main ranch.  Saturday isn’t a very good day to go for parts or pick up feed for example.  The shops are busy with weekend warriors and come spring we are usually hauling to barrel races, reinings, ropings, etc.  And this way we get to avoid line ups since we don’t shop like the town folk.  Shopping with my husband is tolerable at the very least and I have learned to do ‘girly’ things with my girl friends.  I have  spent many a long day with my face pressed to the truck window anxiously hoping that my big guy would get the hint and let me loose.  I have a hollow leg for bookstores and Starbucks.  I now have him broke in enough to never leave the city without a coffee.  I have learned to be patient while he chats up the parts guys and tractor salesmen.  Its a compromise.